Anxiety

Friday, July 28, 2006

Don't just do something, sit there!

I can't take credit for the title. It was in some article I was reading about change, but it really struck me. Finding myself once again unemployed has made me want to change my approach for the next job search. For instance, maybe rather than just desperately seeking anyone willing to give me a job, I should take a little time to figure out what I want to do. And if I need to be a Starbucks barrista while I figure it out, so be it. (Or maybe Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf?)

Taking time to stop and reflect on what I want to do with my life is really hard for me. I feel like I always need to have tangible evidence of what I am currently accomplishing. Up until now, report cards have basically been my bread and butter. If I ever needed validation that I was still a worthy human being, I could just look at my GPA and feel better.

Now with no impressive job offers, no honors, no recognitions and no report card in sight, I'm finally being forced to deal with my self doubt. What if my only real talent in life is standardized testing and beyond that I'm not even cut out for entry-level administrative work? What can I do that will give me the same sense of accomplishment that school did? What do I really have to offer this world and how am I going to go about it?

I don't have the answers to any of these questions. Honestly the idea of pursuing any of them very far scares me quite a bit. But I must face my fears and just sit there. Sit quietly and try to find the meaning of my life.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Neuroses!

Like I said a couple of posts ago, I'm not really digging my new job. In the grand tradition of breakups, I want to tell them "It's not you, it's me." And for those of you saying to yourselves, "She has an office with real walls, what could be so bad?", I wanted to clarify exactly how crazy I really am so that you can see why this job has put me right on the border of a big bad breakdown.

Neurosis #1

I can't initiate contact with people, especially on the phone.

I don't have a logical reason why. That's why it's neurotic. The only people I can call are my parents, Becca, Steve and Nate. Maybe 911. Beyond the telephone, panicky thoughts can arise when I'm faced with asking a store clerk for a different size, ordering Starbucks or cheerily poking my head in to say good morning to my co-workers.

Why This Is Bad For Work

Phone calls are apparently my "calling" at work. (Haha, get it?) It seems that almost every day someone has found a new reason to call up all 100 team captains to tell them some innane detail of "Team Week", "Blitz Day" or pickle delivery. Also, I've called every health club in Phoenix to find out if it's ok if I bring them a poster.

Neurosis #2

I'm paranoid.

This presents itself in a variety of forms, including but not limited to: hypochondria, some phobias, and thinking I have something on my face. Many a night I've made Steve look at a bruise to see if it looked somehow like a bloodclot or check downstairs to make sure the door really is locked.

Why This Is Bad For Work

I'm already convinced all the team captains, 75% of my co-workers, and 50% of the MS150 committee hate me, or at the very least, have a strong distaste for me. Also, when I'm doing deliveries I'm scared that every man I see is either the Baseline Killer or the sniper.

Neurosis #3

I have a strong distaste for schmoozy people.

I'm not sure if this is really a neuroses, but individuals that most people find "charming" and "outgoing" are people that I find annoying, unprofessional and oftentimes they do not turn out to be the brightest crayons in the box. (Case in point: W)

Why This Is Bad For Work

Apparently development = schmoozing. I thought I could get away with just being polite and genuine, but from what I've found, that's not at all attractive in the biz. They need the girl who says "Oh, Mr. Smith, I'm so so so excited to meet you. I've heard your quite a ladies' man and I can tell why! HAHAHA. No but seriously... We have to have lunch sometime and you'll tell me how you stay looking so young." But what I say is, "Hi Mr. Smith. I'm Rachel. Do you have any questions about the ride? No? Good."

Sidenote: For some reason when I was writing Mr. Smith I could only think of Kevin Smith. And Kevin Smith wouldn't buy any of that schmoozy bull... stuff.

Neurosis #4

I use humor as a defense mechanism. Case in point: this blog. When you get tired of crying yourself to sleep at night, and you haven't eaten a real meal in three days, the only way to deal is with sarcastic comments and a Kevin Smith reference.

Why This Is Bad For Work

Because I'm trying to write witty blogs at 1 a.m. rather than sleeping. Guess I won't be fresh as a schmoozy daisy tomorrow.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

I broke our baby...

Well, actually some other guy did, but I still feel terrible about it. Yesterday, while on my way home for lunch (which I wouldn't normally do, but I was making deliveries for the rest of the day), traffic in front of me on the 202 stopped abruptly, I stopped abruptly, but the guy behind me didn't stop so abruptly. Long story short, we were left with a pretty beat up brand new car.

The only other time I've been in an accident, I was either unconscious or being taped to a board, so I didn't have much input in the process. Luckily, a UPS driver came back and told my side of the story (the guy who hit me had a very different story). In any case, I wasn't involved in the filing of the police report or any insurance claims, etc., so I guess this is just another fun lesson in being an adult.

Even though I was pretty shaken up and kept telling Steve wrong information about where I was, he still managed to find me before the police report had been filed. This also caused him to have to reschedule his interview, which I also felt pretty terrible about. So if everyone could think good thoughts for him at 11 a.m. today, I'm sure he'd appreciate it.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Let's make that like 1 1/2 cheers...

I wanted to complain here, but the only thing I could really think to complain about was myself. I'm not ecstatically excited about my new job anymore. It is a really nice entry-level job with good pay and great benefits. I have an office with a closed door and everyone is very friendly. So why could I possibly be unhappy?

As I think I have said in posts before, I'm kind of an acquired taste (like fine wine or squeeze cheese). I'm usually quiet, but genuine, or else I'm just sarcastic and obnoxious. So trying to be outgoing, charming and charismatic in order to build relationships is rough for me. I feel awkward calling 200 team captains for the third time in a week in order to arrange the drop off of appreciation pickles at their homes or places of business. I feel weird striking up a conversation with anyone who works in any business that eventually leads to me asking them for money or gifts. I can't sell shoes to snakes or ice cubes to Eskimo's or DSL to elderly ladies who don't know what it is.

The bottom line is, I'm not sure that I'm their girl. So what now?