Prayer or something like it...
Dear God, the Universe, the collective consciousness, or whatever else you prefer to be called,
I am not of the opinion that we are merely puppets that are subject to you whims. I don't believe in fate, per se, but I'd like to imagine that you have a hand in guiding us on our paths. But if this is true, I must ask you, what lesson am I supposed to be learning from this current experience?
I ask myself every single day why I seem to be the only one struggling so badly. I understand that compared to many in this world, my burdens are small and insignificant, and yet I find myself sinking. Each day my every flaw is flaunted and rubbed in my face until even I start to believe that I have nothing to offer this world.
And so I sit here with no love or humor or happiness left to give and wonder what I'm supposed to be learning from this, and how much more I can take. I’m not sure how much I have left in me. I don’t know how many more smiles I can fake and how many more tears I can hide before it just all becomes too much.
I have nothing to ask for, because I’ve been given everything and I still can't make it work. I guess I’m hopeless.
Amen.
Doormat
Lately apologizing has become sort of like breathing for me. I apologize to inanimate objects I bump into. I apologized to the lady who slammed the door into me at a restaurant yesterday. Sometimes I apologize randomly, completely out of nowhere. Steve and I will just be walking around a mall, and all of a sudden I can hear the words leaving my mouth for absolutely no reason.
It sounds bizarre, but I think it all stems from a desire to be selfless. I am trying to protect everyone's feelings, so consequently I end up accepting fault for things I had nothing to do with. I use the preemptive apology to put an end to any discomfort the other person may be experiencing by placing blame on themself.
This has had two unintended consequences:
1. It makes me completely resent the people I apologize too, especially when they don't counter with their own apology. If I apologize for a mistake that I'm partially responsible for, and the other person just accepts it without apologizing to me as well, I lose all respect for them. In my mind they immediately turn into a heartless creature who has no respect for other people's feelings. And it is rude. I'm willing to own up to my mistakes, even when they're not really my mistakes. If they're not willing to own up to legitimate faults, then I can feel nothing for them but contempt.
2. I start to believe that everything really is my fault. Computer errors. Traffic jams. Illnesses. The situation in the Middle East. I carry with me the burden of believing that if I was somehow better, these things wouldn't happen. And whether it's a consequence of my attitude, or whether I'm just around some really messed up people, I get the feeling that a lot of people around me feel the same way: that I am somehow responsible for every little thing that goes wrong that's even remotely connected to me.
It's not a good way to live and I wouldn't recommend it. Trying to please everyone all the time can only mean disappointment, but I can't seem to help myself. And since we've been in Phoenix, it's been worse. Maybe it's becasue Flagstaff was full of touchy-feely hippie types who recognized you when you did something well, but I miss being occasionally told that something wasn't my fault, or even that I did a good job.
Author's note: While I appreciate the sentiment, any comment regarding this post that starts with "Look at the brightside" or anything similar will not be regarded kindly.
In other news, we went to Flagstaff this past weekend and had a fabulous time with Bryan and Colleen. We got to go to our fifth annual scary movie for Bryan's birthday. The Grudge 2. Very scary. We also go to play Texas Hold 'Em, frisbee and eat a lot of good food. Even though it does have snow, Flagstaff is generally traffic, ego and @$$hole free, making it a place I didn't give nearly enough credit while I was there. Let me take this moment to apologize for all of my anti-Flagstaff posts.
Nate's coming to visit this weekend and I can't wait for him to be here! I don't tell him enough, but it means so much to me that he takes the time to fly down and visit. I honestly can't imagine a better friend to have. Hopefully we'll find some fun things to do during the time I don't have to be at Peoria Sports Complex for my bleeping work.
