Anxiety

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Pathetic!

I just had a conversation with my mom where almost all of the things I said either started with "I read in Prevention that..." or "I saw this TV show where..." It made me realize that I probably need to get out more. One story even started with "I was watching Tyra and..." But right now, I need to finish crocheting a sweater for my cat and watch my stories.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Happy Semi-Anniversary to Us!




I just realized that Steve and I have been married for six whole months as of today. I love you Stevie!

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Self Help My Bum -or- Maybe I'm More Screwed Up Than I Thought

Steve went to a presentation on Friday about balancing work and life. The speaker discussed how we all trade in our life energy for money, and it's up to us to figure out how much our life energy is worth or how much we're willing to give up or something like that. Anyway, he brought me back a packet that is supposed to assist you in figuring out what to do with your life. The main question in finding your passions is, "What did you like to do most in kindergarten?" Then you're supposed to use this answer to figure out what you life's work should be...

So here's my list. In kindergarten I liked...

1. Getting good grades or always having a green card in my pocket instead of a red one.

I guess this poses a compelling argument for grad school, but it's not really a life-guiding passion. But what I remember making me the most happy or unhappy was getting the metaphorical gold star.


2. Spinning as fast as I could on the tire swing.

Hmm... maybe I have a future in Cirque du Soleil, but I kind of doubt it. Or maybe I could have a satisfying career as a wheel.


3. Playing with boys on the playground.

I'm not even going anywhere with this one...


4. Lording things over Becca that I could do that she couldn't.

Although this is one of my favorite hobbies, I'm not sure I could make a career out of it.


5. Trying to find pretty rocks in the playground dirt.

Perhaps I have a promising career as a miner.


I do get the point of this exercise. I'm sure that some kids who love to color become artists and maybe some kids who build block bridges become engineers; but just because I liked playing with the hose in the backyard doesn't mean I was meant to be a firefighter. I wish my ideal career path was that obvious, but I don't think it's that easy for most people.

Right now I'm caught up in the "I want to help people" trap (as opposed to all the people out there who would rather have a job where they did physical and emotional harm to others). Besides crossing viking and professional torturer off of my list, I'm pretty much back at square one. I know it's a process and it takes time, but I'm impatient. So thanks a lot self-help lady for getting my hopes up.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Mini Blogs

A lot of thoughts to get out, and I'm too lazy to post multiple posts, so here goes...

Not for the faint of heart...



This is a condition called black hairy tongue. It can happen if you don't brush your teeth or don't eat enough crunchy food. It has been haunting me every since I read about it, so I'm spreading the misery.



Something to run about...

I've never been a fan of running for the sake of running or running in a perky little group of size 2 women or running because it was the nicest day outside. The last year that I ran regularly was my junior year of high school. It was a rough year; I was breaking my church addiction, I'd lost a lot of friends, and outside of school, my life was pretty much homework and sleep. Then I started running. I'm not sure it was in a healthy way. It was more in a "Can I make the pain of running greater than the pain of life?" type deal. But it got me through. Towards the end of the year I threw myself into newspaper and started hanging out with National Honor Society officers. By senior year, I was happy and busy and conent.

Getting to my point, I've started running again. I've developed a pretty steady four mile-a-day habit. Once again I get to run off all of my frustration and occasionally, by the end of the run, things seem clearer. Although, I have to say I'm excited to settle back into Flagstsaff and to not be frustrated enough to run anymore. Then I can do yoga or pilates or kickboxing or other happy exercise again.



Flagstaff ho...

For those who have been living under a rock, Steve got the job at the Gateway and we are moving back to Flagstaff. Although I will miss one thing about Phoenix (Steve's family), I'm excited to leave the rest behind me. I miss simplicity and spontenaity and always having friends close by. It's hard to explain all the reasons why the move is so important to us, but we do know that we were happier there. Colder, but happier...

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Desperate Housewife

Where the expletive did all of this laundry come from? We each have like two pairs of work pants and maybe five shirts. So how come I'm on load number 8 and still going strong?

And the same with dishes. We don't cook all that much. But there are always dirty dishes in the sink. I'm convinced it's some kind of conspiracy.

But I guess housework is providing some distraction from the fact that I'm 22 and have already had two failed jobs since graduation and have no real direction for the future. Well, actually I have some direction, and that direction is north. North towards pine trees, short commutes and people with little to no tan.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Sayonara witch with a b...

Today may go down as one of the worst but most satisfying days in my short life. On Friday, I decided that I would give my two weeks notice on Monday (today). Since my boss, we'll call her "One Whose Parents Apparently Never Hugged Her" or OWPANHH for short, was out of the office on Friday, I emailed her to ask to schedule some time with her on Monday to discuss my future with AAA.

I never got a response, but I was determined to do things the right way. I went into work this morning with a very polite, generic letter of resignation and all of my notes that explained everything I do, a goodwill gesture to help her in training my replacement. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt... these things happen in the business world all the time, so it's highly unlikely that she would take it out on my personally. What I really excpected was that she would be almost unbearably passive aggressive, because as I said, apparently her parents never hugged her, but that I could handle.

I got into the office at 7:30 and she was already there. She usually doen't show up until 8:30 or shortly thereafter. I said "Good morning!" and she mumbled something in response, never making eye contact. I sat down, turned on my computer and started updating my daily spreadsheets. When I checked my emails, I found that she had written me seven, none of which addressed my request for a meeting, but all of which were making requests for work I had that wasn't supposed to be due for a week or two. All of the requests ended with, "You need to have this to me before you go to lunch."

Then the loud phone calls started coming. The first couple were apparently to prospective new employees. "I have a position open immediately. It's entry-level, so I don't really know if you would lower yourself to taking that, but I need someone if you're interested." At this point, it became clear to me that she was trying to set me up. Completely overloading me so that she could say I didn't get work done on time. A noon deadline so that she could get rid of me AFTER I had completed all the busy work she didn't want to do. I was irate.

After this there was silence, she walked in and out of her office a few times (through mine) without ever saying a word to me or making eye contact. Then she made the phone call that was the final straw. It was a personal call, asking someone about their kids and their move, then she started in with "I'm sure you've heard about my situation, what she did to me on Friday. Yeah, she actually thought she could get away with it... Right HAHAHA... Yeah, I'm trying to get her replaced right now.... Yeah, really, HAHAHAHA."

**Side note: For those who don't know, our offices are attached so she was well aware that I could hear every word.

At this point I was done being her punching bag. I wasn't going to give her the chance to put any more notes in my file, or even fire me if that's what she had decided to do. I crafted a nicely-worded letter to HR explaining that I had really wanted to give proper notice but I feared that my boss would make the next two weeks extremely unpleasant and for my own health and happiness, I had to resign immediately. I printed it, attached it to my nice two-week-notice letter, stood up, grabbed my stuff and walked out silently. I dropped off my letters, expense reports, badge and cell phone at the front desk for HR on my way out.

I guess I'll never know what happened there after that. Although, considering that she doesn't know how to update the website, or where the RSVPs are for the many events we're having or where my research is for the six or so releases that were supposed to go out this week, she may regret a tiny bit that she couldn't have just treated me like a human being.

But for the first time in about three months, I'm proud of myself. I'm proud that I went in to face her and try to do the right thing, and I'm proud that I had the guts to stand up and walk out when it became obvious that she wasn't going to allow me to do what was right.

Whether this means I get a temp job or I work at Starbucks, this is one decision I don't think I'll ever regret.