Anxiety

Friday, June 23, 2006

Three cheers for gainful employment!

So on Wednesday, July 5 I will have my first day as a Development Manager for the Arizona chapter of the National Multiple Sclerosis Society. I've been trying desperately not to think about it for the past two weeks because I didn't want to end up disappointed but I also didn't want to jinx myself into not getting it. In any case, I couldn't imagine a better first real job.

From what I understand, my main responsibilities will be helping to coordinate the annual walk and bike that raise money for the foundation, as well as planning smaller events in between. It's the highly detail-oriented work I love, and the best part is that it is for a cause that I really feel like I can get behind.

In any case, I feel very grateful for the opportunity and I cannot wait to get started! Also, our new place is awesome and we are already feeling right at home here. We were very appreciative of everyone's help with the move, and we felt very lucky that Nate spent his whole vacation here putting together IKEA furniture. (I promise if you come back in 8-10 weeks, we'll just do fun things.)

I'm trying to think of something sarcastic or cynical to say, because happy blogging is just not me, but right now I'm drawing a blank. :-)

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Everybody do the limbo!

Limbo:

(1) According to some Roman Catholics, limbo describes the temporary status of the souls of good persons who died before the resurrection of Jesus, and the permanent status of the unbaptised who die in infancy (without having committed any personal sins, but without having been freed from original sin).

Limbo comes from the latin limbus meaning a hem or an edge or a boundary. While "limbo" is often popularly understood to be a "place where souls go", the term also describes and reflects theological uncertainty. As such, limbo is not part of the Catholic religion's official doctrine (compare purgatory, which is a part of Roman Catholic doctrine). Official Church teaching remains that the status of these souls (who don't seem to deserve hell, yet cannot follow the divinely-revealed path to heaven) is in limbo – in other words, their fate cannot be determined by any but God.

(2) A novelty dance that originated on the island of Trinidad. The dancer moves to a Caribbean rhythm, then leans backward and dances under a horizontal stick without touching it. When several dancers compete, the stick is gradually lowered until only one dancer - who has not touched the stick or the floor - remains.

(3) In Dungeons and Dragons, fantasy role-playing game, Limbo or more fully, the Ever-Changing Chaos of Limbo, is a chaotic neutral-aligned plane of existence. It exists as one of a number of alignment-based Outer Planes that form part of the standard Dungeons & Dragons (D&D) cosmology, used in the Planescape and Greyhawk campaign settings, and the Forgotten Realms campaign setting before 3rd Edition (when it was quietly replaced in a retcon with a new cosmology).

It is a place of pure chaos where everything is in constant motion and change, especially the landscape, which can shift unpredictably and randomly rolls over upon itself like liquid. Very few places in Limbo are stable enough for normal travel.


First off, Wikipedia is fun! Secondly, this is kind of how I'm feeling about everything right now. Sitting in an apartment full of boxes, waiting for the phone to ring regarding one of the many jobs in which I'm in one of the various stages of applying, and hoping that besides obvious weather and things-to-do considerations, we're as happy in Phoenix as we have been in Flagstaff.

For those of you who know me well, you know that I simply cannot stand not knowing things. And now, to have this many small things up in the air in addition to the normal meaning of life considerations that constantly drift through my head, it is driving me absolutely crazy. AND Steve already packed the third season of Scrubs, so there's no relief in sight.

But try as I might not to get excited (because that's when things go wrong and disappoint you), I still feel hopeful about what lies ahead.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Wedded Bliss

Today my mom asked if we were doing anything to celebrate our two week anniversary. Huh? I have to admit that I have not been good at remembering the anniversaries or dates of anything in our relationship, let alone weeks from our wedding. At first I felt bad about this. I don't know when our first date was, have no clue when our first kiss was, and have been otherwise bad at keeping track of all of our little milestones.

But recently I've come to see this as a good thing. How long have we been together? Who knows? It feels like forever (in a good way). Even the first time we talked it felt like we'd known each other for years. How long do we want to stay together? Long enough that we wanted "til death do us part" removed from our wedding vows.

Bottomline: I may not know dates, but I know that we are somewhere in the middle of a beautiful eternity together. And that's as mushy as I'm going to get.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Classic Me

It's almost midnight now, and I'm wide awake. Having so much trouble with the job search has left me with a deep feeling of inadequacy that can be fixed (or at least covered up) only by an over-zealous, over-anxious job search. This led me to apply for 12 jobs on Monday, and another 10 after we got home from Phoenix today. There's a part of me that is listening attentively for my phone to ring even now. Maybe someone is working the night shift in Human Resources...

It's amazing how feeling bad about yourself in one aspect of life can so quickly spread to all of the others. Feeling inadequate about not finding a job has led me to feel inadequate in other areas. I hate my hair. I feel completely brain dead. I'm questioning whether pretty much everyone in my life is annoyed with me. I'm worried that I make a terrible first impression. The list goes on and on...

I've never been much of a believer in the power of positive thinking. I always felt like it was just setting yourself up for disappointment. I'm feeling that now more than ever. I want to believe that someone out there will look at my resume and think, "Wow. She worked really hard. That's the kind of person we're looking to hire!" But with that kind of thinking, I feel devastated if I don't get a phone call, rather than just the mild annoyance I feel when I assume they're all just egotistical jerks who never call anyone just to live out some sick power trip.

In other less depressing news, we found a place to live in Phoenix this past week. On June 17th we'll move into a one bedroom townhome at Pinnacle Towne Center (in the coveted Biltmore area of Phoenix). After not being terribly excited by Flagstaff for the past four years, I think Steve and I are both a little sad to leave. A chapter of our life is closing and we know it will never be the same. I guess all we can really ask is that the next chapter of our lives be as happy and fulfilling as this one has been.

Well, I'm boring even myself now, so I shall bid you all a fond adieu.