Anxiety

Momentary Tranquility

After bad dreams and a lot of stress this weekend, Steve and I finally booked a ceremony/reception site. The location is The Grove at Silk Purse Ranch in the north part of Las Vegas. It is a gorgeous 3-acre banquet facility with trees, flowers, trees, a stream, and about a billion little white Christmas lights.

Steve and I went to look on Friday, and even thought its smaller than I remember it being in seventh grade, it was still beautiful. The people seem extremely helpful, and the package is all inclusive (which is really helpful since I'm doing all the planning from four hours away).

So I feel much calmer now that everything is set. I'm extremely happy with what we've decided. Also, since we have an official date, we set up a wedding website at the theknot.com to put up details as we have them. Now, on to worrying about bridesmaid dresses!

posted by Rachel at 2:25 PM | 0 comment(s)

428 Days Later...

Last night I realized my official wedding freak out had begun. I had not one, but two dreams about the blessed event that brought me into full panic mode. It was the day of the wedding and we still had not chosen a location. We drove around aimlessly looking for a church or park or home that would take us in, but we couldn't find a place. When we finally found a church, they were having Sunday morning worship but agreed to put us in one of the back rooms. That's when I realized that none of Steve's family was there. He had put off telling them about it, and now it was too late. So my extended family was standing around waiting for a wedding when my cell phone rang. It was Nate and he was telling me he wasn't going to make it because he had work. I told him I understood, but I wanted to cry. I didn't want the wedding to take place like that. Steve's family wasn't there, my friends weren't there, but I was already in my dress and veil and I couldn't stop it.

The second dream I had was that I was getting ready and realized I hadn't bought shoes to go with my dress. I got in my car and tried to find a shoe shop but every place I found only carried children's shoes. At one point, I tried to go to Home Depot to make my own shoes, but that didn't work either. Also, my dress was too loose, and I couldn't find anyone who was able to adjust it. I kept asking Becca to help, and she kept saying she would, but then it just never happened. I knew I was holding up the wedding, but I couldn't convince myself to go until everything was perfect.

I have a lot of nervous dreams. I get them every year for about a week before the first day of school, most of the summer before I came to college, and randomly before big tests or deadlines at work. But nervous wedding dreams are setting the record for duration of time before the actual event. These are starting over a year and advance! And that's not counting the dream I had a couple months ago that Steve and I eloped in a smoky, dirty video arcade where some guy who was playing pool married us.

If/when I have children, I will probably need to be institutionalized. I read recently that one of the worst things for your baby while your pregnant (besides drinking, smoking, doing crack lines, etc.) is too much stress. Immediately I stressed out that I would stress out too much while I was pregnant. So now I wonder if I will stress out so much about stressing out that it will create a problem that wasn't even there to begin with. Do you see how my mind doesn't work quite right?

I realize I probably sound like a paranoid nut case, and that's mostly true. I like to plan. I like to have things laid out in front of me. It doesn't stop me from being spontaneous, but its comforting to have a nice, safe plan there in case you need it.

posted by Rachel at 10:13 AM | 1 comment(s)

Simplicity

Recently, I've had a revelation that I would like to simplify my life to the extreme. This revelation didn't come from some spiritual insight or a profound philosophy reading. It came from helping Steve's family move over the past two weekends. Don't get me wrong, I actually had a lot of fun spending time with everyone and I can't say that I was anywhere close to winning the "Person Who Carried Most Stuff" award, but it was epiphany-inducing to see how many possessions everyone accumulates through normal living. I started thinking about everything in my closet at home. Our walk-in closet is full, and besides clothes, I couldn't name a single thing in there. What is all of it? Do I use any of it? Why do I have it?

For those of you who have known me a long time, this attitude is a definite change from the norm. I was the girl who kept t-shirts 5 years after I last wore them just because I really liked them. I have an $8 pink flamingo clock under my bed that I just didn't quite feel like parting with. I kept my Vans until they had holes worn through them "just in case."

Some of the "junk" I kept was sentimental, and therefore more justifiable. I don't know if I'll ever part with my change purse that looks like a suede vest that my Grandma Jean gave me after her trip to Michigan. My AP History notebook seemed sentimental at the time, but now I think that's an experience I'd rather forget. There's a very fine line between sentimental object and excess baggage.

But getting rid of things is risky; its all trial and error. Sometimes you'll have a box that goes with you for three moves untouched, and sometimes you'll throw away a birthday card you really you wish you hadn't. My goal is just to be better about asking myself if someone in the world could use this t-shirt/flamingo clock/pair of shoes more than I could. Its easier to let go when you know your "junk" could really mean a lot to someone else.

Unfortunately, my simplicity revelation has coincided with Steve's "let's keep it but paint it green" revelation. So, if you happen to visit and all we have left in the apartment is one green coffee table, you will know why.

posted by Rachel at 2:29 PM | 3 comment(s)