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Monday, November 29, 2004

You can never go home again...

Andrew Largeman: You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone.

Sam: I still feel at home in my house.

Andrew Largeman: You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this right of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.

-- Garden State
This is the closest I could come to describing Thanksgiving. I love my family and I had a wonderful time this weekend, but by the end I wanted to go home. But where is home when its not where you grew up and its not where you live now?
This confusion seeped into every thought I had this weekend. Mostly it made me doubt my Christmas plans. I am really excited to see my Nebraska family, but it feels strange now. They don't really know who I am anymore, and I don't really know much about them. While we were growing up, Becca and I were the little girls, and everyone else was an aunt, uncle, cousin, or grandma. This was all we needed. Now, we're not little girls, so all of those relationships have changed. Now it is going to take work to redefine them.
By Sunday I realized that I am very nervous about going. I don't like flying by myself, I'm not really sure how to act once I get there, and its getting harder to spend Christmas without Steve. Unfortunately, I am not very adept to the power of positive thinking. Most likely I will just worry about it until I come back to Phoenix on December 29. There aren't really many alternatives, so I will just live through it, and hopefully be better for it.

posted by Rachel at 4:48 PM | 1 comment(s)

Monday, November 15, 2004

Reconciliation

So I am trying very hard to finally let go of all the anger I had about the election. What's done is done, and while I will never accept Bush as being a good President or a good man, I must shift my focus to what I personally can change. In my previous entry, when I mentioned abortion, I should have simply said that I respect and understand a woman like Mother Theresa who was against abortion, and also war, the death penalty, and apathy towards those starving to death. She truly believed every life was precious and wanted to preserve life in all of its forms. I would never, ever challenge that mindset. What I cannot understand is someone who believes abortion is the worst evil, but thinks it is cool that we have killed tens of thousands of Iraqis. Someone who fashionably wears a pro-life button, but doesn't want to deal with the children in Africa who are growing up as oprhans, many of them with the HIV virus. Apparently once they're born, they are someone else's problem. I am confused by the notion that some lives are precious and others are just target practice. I believe all life is precious and worthy of respect. I'm pretty sure that W believes that white, male, protestant, straight, upper-class lives are worthy of respect, but beyond that I have my doubts. What I must remember is that 49% of the country also sees the error in that kind of thinking. I have 50 million friends out there that I can work with over the next four years to try to make a difference. There are most likely even some fiscal conservatives who disagree with the moral madates and falsely entered wars who see the error in the extreme right's ways. The administration has nowhere to go but down, but we the people are capable of being better. And that right there is the only reason I can sleep at night.

posted by Rachel at 10:12 AM | 0 comment(s)

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Fear and Loathing in Flagstaff

Last night, I went to bed at 9:30 p.m. I could already sense the eerie feeling creeping over me that something wasn't right. After months of waiting for the election, I went to bed without knowing the results. This morning I told Steve that I knew Bush had won. I really, truly will never understand how anyone can like that man. I have learned an important lesson from this election, though. I now know that I could gather mass-followings if I were 10 times less intelligent, drove drunk occasionally, shirked my responsibilities, manipulated people's faith to get my way, and cared only about myself and people like me. Today, I decided to try to think like a conservative. I am a white, middle-class woman who will have a university degree in communication. I will most likely make a decent amount of money in my lifetime. My kids will live in safe, middle-class neighborhoods with other children like them. They will receive a superior education to the students in less affluent areas. They will go to college and enter a competitive job market well-prepared, middle-class and white. I have it made. I can wear my cute Gap soccer-mom outfits and never worry about another person if I don't want to. But, my question is, does that give me the right to completely ignore that other kids won't have health care even though mine will? Do I have the right to condemn and scorn pregnant women who consider abortion, but then ignore their starving, sickly baby when its born? Do I have the right to make $250,000 a year and complain that too much of it goes to social welfare that will help those who are not as fortunate as myself? We have a middle-class misconception in this country that because we are handed every opportunity, other people who do not achieve the same status must be lazy. They don't deserve to live long, healthy, happy lives. We don't have to help, because we worked so hard to get where we are. I have to work (barely) part-time while all of my schooling is paid for by a university who practically begged me to attend. Poor me. I have it so hard. Those single mothers working multiple minimum wage jobs just to provide for the latch-key children they barely get to see are f*cking sloths compared to me. Oh wait... one more thing. Since I am saved by the grace of Jesus Christ and he will provide for me, who cares if I do anything good for humanity? God doesn't like most of those people, so why should I? I think I finally have the republican mindset down.

posted by Rachel at 4:45 PM | 0 comment(s)